"Coffee, Louie or Me?"
Right, that's enough Scarpa for now. Not that there aren't other stories worthy of note, but for now, there are other things I want to write about.
Truth is, though, I don't really feel any overwhelming need to write about "Coffee, Louie or Me?" What I mainly want to do is marvel over that title and ask the question is this A) the worst title ever for a Disney comic or very possibly anything; or B) so bewilderingly misguided that it transcends your puny human notions of "good" and "bad?"
Just to be clear, I'm not objecting it on any sort of Think Of The Children grounds, 'cause seriously, fuck the children. What have they done for me lately? It's more "think of all of us" grounds. It's a violently distractingly inappropriate cultural allusion that's only related to the story in the most tenuous way and forces us to think of the ducks--the young ducks, yet--in relation to accommodating stewardesses. Also, while it may just be me, I can't stand the lack of an Oxford comma. It just doesn't look right, not that anything could make this mess look "right." In sum: for the love of Christ, why? It's no goddamn surprise that this is one of those very uncommon stories that's never been reprinted anywhere ever. Sure, if it were to be translated into another language, it would undoubtedly get a less horrific title (I doubt that particular cultural reference would translate even if for some insane reason you wanted it to), but I have to think that the original title's infernal power is strong enough that nobody's willing to touch it in any case.
Given this title, you would hope that the story itself would be a truly spectacular train wreck. No such luck, however. It's not notably good or anything, oh dear me no, but it doesn't stand out as especially awful either, and, dare I say it, there are even a few parts I sorta-kinda like.
If it reminds you of a Ducktales thing, it ought to: it was drawn by Cosme Quartieri and inked by Carlos Valenti, Raul Barbéro, and Robert Bat (WHY DO YOU NEED THREE INKERS?), the artistic team (or part of it) responsible for the art of many a Ducktales comic, including the Scrooge's Quest and Gold Odyssey serials (the writer, Cliff MacGillivray, has done no other Disney comic before or since--for good reason, dare I say?). In spite of this, it's not a Ducktales comic, at least not technically. But--and it's not clear to me whether this was an intentional thing--it's sort of positioned in such a way that you can imagine it being a recently-post-Ducktales effort, by which I mean:
Donald is forever alluding to his time in the navy, suggesting that he was recently discharged. Mostly it's just an excuse for a lame running gag about why he didn't join various other military branches,
but it's still interesting-ish. I guess. If you're into Ducktales comics, which I am sooooo not.
The story's a standard thing: Oh no why is Scrooge's plantation doing poorly oh no it's yetis only it's actually mean dudes in yeti suits.
…and as you can see, MacGillivray seems unclear on this whole Junior Woodchucks Guidebook concept.
Anyway, so far so blahdy blah. Still, one thing's for sure: there are dinosaurs.
You'd have to fuck up pre-tty badly to make dinosaurs not-cool, and Quartieri and his squadron of inkers don't, even if you have to wonder why a perfectly innocuous brontosaurus (apatowhatnow?) has fearsome fangs.
I'll even go further and grant that the killer-mushroom-disguise gambit is pretty funny, even if that creature they're scaring away looks like no dinosaur I'm aware of.
…and then, finally, there's this. What?!? You're not willing to destroy the world for short-term financial gain?!? What kind of Job Creator™ are you, Scrooge? Most disappointing.
Really, though, there's not a whole lot of any great interest to say about this story. It's mostly okay for what it is, and that right there was some very intentional damnation via faint praise. The fact that it's the only story in Uncle Scrooge 257 makes that a pretty underwhelming issue.