Christmas One-Page Silliness

And now, a Post-Connell Palate-Cleanser. Just for kicks, let's look at some one-page things found in Christmas Parades. Why not? Why not indeed?

BOY, I always found these text stories with pictures representing sounds annoying back in the day. Were the pictures supposed to make it more fun? They really, really didn't, and it's not like the stories themselves generally made up for it. Right, for your convenience, here's a decoded version of this one:

One day Donald and his nephews went for a tramp in the woods! They took their cameras hoping to get some pictures of the wild foxrabbits! They tramped far, but no one saw any foxrabbits! By then it had grown late and Donald and the boys were very tired! It was so still that they all spoke softly in whispers! It was very spirits of the damnedy!

All at once, they heard something moving! They were so startled that their feathers stood on end! When they saw a dark shape, they ran! But before they did, one of the nephews took a picture! Then they fled...

But soon they heard footsteps behind them! They ran faster, but the footsteps followed! Then they heard something that made them stop and laugh! It was a bark...and who should it be but Pluto who had been out hunting rabbits in the woods! So the only pictures they took that day was one of Pluto...and he wasn't wild at all!

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? I've gotta say, "tramp" seems like a reeeeeal reach here. Who the hell describes a hike as a tramp? Really, now. Also, I want you to picture Pluto slaughtering Thumper. Or at least, this story wants you to. YOU CAN'T DO IT. Why would you bring that up, writer? CRIKEY.

You say I'll "know what it's all about" when I connect the dots, but I'm still pretty clueless. I mean, I get that Goofy dumped Mickey and Pluto in a hole, presumably out of incompetence, but why were they in the back of a dump truck in the first place? This raises a lot more questions than it answers. Also, this is the first in a long line of pages that really seem to have nothing to do with Christmas.

No...I don't get it either. They bought Donald handcuffs because...? And once he opened the package, they apparently automatically locked onto him...? I could make some risqué comments here, probably about his relationship with Daisy, but I'll just leave it at that. Pretty damn weird.

And now, THIS. I've got to say, Western's efforts at providing helpful homemade gift ideas are even worse than most of their comics. However, I'm including this here because I can't help but find the utter feebleness of "make a calendar by putting a picture on a calendar!" actually sort of endearing.

Gotta say...that is one of the worst drawings of Mickey I've ever seen (inducks is mercifully silent as to the artist). They may enjoy telling fortunes so much, but I sincerely doubt I will too. Several observations:

1. These fortunes seem awfully fixated on their child readers' love lives. And also apparently think these same children are likely to be targets of lawsuits.

2. "Bad news, usually within twenty-four hours." Thanks for that probable time-frame, guys. Gives us us time to prepare, while also not absolutely committing to anything.

3. How ominous is that passive-voice "A debt will be paid?"

4. Okay, the "gift of clothing" one is fairly banal, if surprisingly specific. But "beware of a blond rival?" Wut. How about: "beware of being stabbed by the assassin your hunchback jester father hired to murder the feckless duke who seduced and abandoned you." That seems good.

Oh, Huey Dewey and Louie, you hopeless dimwits, not knowing common alternate meanings of common words. Or, for that matter, how Christmas trees generally work. You're just the worst.

Is their secret hiding place just the garage? Hmm. The chain of reasoning here is also a bit hard to follow. We were found! Donald used an idiom about birds! If only a bird would tell Scrooge about Christmas! Let's make a bird!

I was going to try to make one of these things to enter into the spirit, but it's weirdly difficult to find clothespins these days.  I feel like they used to be all over, but now they've just vanished.  And I don't want a pack of one hundred.  That seems like overkill, and good luck purchasing a single clothespin on the internet.

Is this a Christmas story? Well, maybe they got the Indian costumes for Christmas. In a pinch, I suppose you could use this to demonstrate the difference between "this" and "that" to ESL students.

DEFINITELY not a Christmas story. Sheesh, couldn't the outside at least be covered with snow? Well, I suppose it's likely that some of these were just random things they pulled out of storage and put to use here. Coulda been anywhere.

Ha ha, this dumb kid thinks "tweezers" is spelled with a "u." Quick, everyone--let's all mock an eight-year-old from sixty years ago! There's no time to lose!

(Yeah, I know, they clearly figured out the solution before they'd gotten all the clues and just misspelled "perfume."  Stop trying to be fair to this little monster!)

Not gonna lie: this seems sort of voyeuristic to me. I think I'll pass on watching Mickey and Minnie under the mistletoe, thanks. Which is good, because I find these instructions very inscrutable; I couldn't if I wanted to.

Yeah, okay. Not gonna lie: it's hard not to look at this and think, MAN, couldn't they have gotten Barks on art-duty here? I mean, I like Strobl art better than most people, but still...well, it's pretty nice in any case. Happy Holidays!

But if you think we're getting through this thing without showcasing THIS Hieronymus-Bosch-esque nightmare (I know it's actually two pages, but whatever), you don't know this blog. The slaves endlessly pull the idol of their blind idiot god, they know not where, accompanied by the obscene piping of the damned. They've long lost the meaning of words like "where."

Seriously. Whose bizarre idea was Giant Mickey here, and WHY. Fercryinoutloud.