"Astro Pooch"

Yes, it's Astro Pooch! A comic drawn (and, presumably, written--you probably don't need a Bill Walsh for something like this) by Gottfredson as background art for a little-remembered 1968 live-action Disney comedy, Never a Dull Moment.

But as far as I know, no one's ever really dug down deep into the Astro Pooch mythos until now, and that is a shame. So let's do it, yeah? Buckle up, mofos!

Question the first: what the heck kind of space pilot is Astro Pooch? He has "astro" in his name, so you'd think he'd have some sort of facility, but he sure does make what seems like a very easily-avoidable crash here--and it sure doesn't look like it was intentional, given his expression in the second panel (and I realize that I've apparently unconsciously decided that Astro Pooch is a "he"--definitely a bit of sexism on my part, though in my semi-defense, male is kind of the default mode in these comics; in my further semi-defense, a speculation I'm going to make later in this entry kind of requires him to be a he).

Anyway, here's a haiku I wrote about Astro Pooch:

Astro Pooch, a beast

Who flees freezing wind and snow

For space: is there cheese?

Note that I included the traditional seasonal reference which is so often forgotten.

Right, back to business. Question the second: is this, in fact, the moon at all? Sure, he says it's the moon, but we've already established that his space-pilot bonafides are gravely in doubt. It is green, which sort of goes with the idea that it's made of green cheese, but...I dunno. That seems very questionable. And while we're on the subject, who decided that it should be green cheese? Does it look green? Did someone look up and think, oh, hey, a green thing floating in the air! It's probably composed of dairy products! Hmph.

Anyway, here's a limerick I wrote about Astro Pooch:

There once was a poochie named Astro

Whose interest in -nomy was gastro-

He went into space

Which was surely the place

Where he would find cheese--it won't last though

Well, enough nonsense. Question the third: why is the alien so pissed off at our noble pooch? I see a number of possibilities. First, we might posit that he's quite simply sick of people coming to his place and demanding to be given cheese. Flippin' tourists! They just won't go away! I mean, think about it: it really could get tedious. You're just chillin' like a villain, and dopey-ass dogs appear and demand cheese from you. Fer crissake, you annoying creatures, enough is enough! Blah!

Well, be that as it may, here's a clerihew I wrote about Astro Pooch:

Astro Pooch the puppy

Went into space like a stellar guppy

When asked what for

He countered that it's cheese he had a craving for

Of course, clerihews are generally about famous people, so for this to qualify, you have to accept that Astro Pooch is famous. But that's not hard, is it? The dog's a legend! In any case. We can think about other possibilities for the space guy's wrath. There's an important question here: is this place--whether it's the moon or not--actually made of cheese? Is that particularly viscous cheese that it's slinging at our hero, or just generic gloop? If it's the latter, we can imagine him thinking "oh for fuck's sake, these stupid Earth dogs--really Ugly Earthlings, as it were--coming here and cluelessly demanding cheese from us! Goddamnit!" Actually, when it comes right down to it, it's not that different even if it's the former (so maybe it wasn't an important question! Forgive me!)--"all they know about us is our cheese! They don't give a shit about our culture! They can go to hell, every last one of them!" Is he right?...well, that's something for you to contemplate.

One thing you DON'T have to contemplate, though, is the question "I wonder if he wrote a Petrarchan sonnet about Astro Pooch?" 'Cause here it is:

This pup is sad, of that there is no doubt

For he was living in a world of fear:

The moon--it's cheese or rather something drear?

That second choice a nightmare, for without

The promise of some cheese, not brussels sprout

What could perk up a gastronome's dog-ear

And fill him up with joy from year to year?

But how to get that cheese--a grand payout?

To space, young pooch--and you will learn the truth!

And so, indeed, he goes, and with a crash,

He finds himself alone upon the moon

But all the gods upon him shine their ruth,

For midst the lunar ruins and the ash,

It's cheese he finds--a bountiful-ish boon.

I have to feel for Astro Pooch in this situation, though. He looks so goshdarned enthusiastic in the third panel, and then in the fourth he's quite taken aback to be drenched in slime. My hope, really, is that the two are able to come to a mutual understanding. We need more of that in the world; we really do. Let's face it: it takes a special kind of dog to go to space like this; surely there's some way they could bond. I hope so; if nothing else, he'll probably need the space guy's help to get the heck offa this durn ol' moon or planet or whatever it may be.

Be that as it may, here's a Shakespearean sonnet I wrote about Astro Pooch:

A dog named Astro Pooch would go to space

But not for reasons you or I would go:

Our moon: it's rocks, but maybe also ques'?

It's this the noble beastie wished to know

Alas his ship was dashed against the rocks

And now he must strike out upon his own

E'en when a moonman our poor poochie mocks

He shall persist and make the truth be known.

The moonman hurls some turf at this brave beast

The fierce attack makes our poor hero quail

But soon he learns that at the very least

It marks a happy ending to this tale

For now he's learned that he was nowise wrong

The moon is made of cheese: so ends this song

So I'm going to pose one final question here: is Astro Pooch actually Pluto? "It seems unlikely," you say. "A. he doesn't look like Pluto; B. Pluto can't talk; and C. Pluto can't drive a rocket, you big idiot!" But I'm not sure if this is as dispositive as you think it is. You may recall those somewhat overly precious comics where the narration box would narrate Pluto's thoughts. I can't say I love 'em, but they do provide evidence, if needed, that he is thinking things. And although he doesn't actually look like that, it's true, he does look kinda like that. And...look, my point here is this: I have the theory that this is a dream Pluto's having. It would explain why we see him talking, and people--and dogs!--can be kind of distorted in their dreams. And, of course, it would handily explain objection C.

Did I just blow your mind? I hope so. Here's a Spencerian sonnet I wrote about Astro Pooch:

He thinks there may be aliens in space,

Does this, the noble pup whom we all know,

And also that the moon has dairy base

And that to there he is quite keen to go.

So in his rocket, in which he did stow

The hero dog did leave these earthly climes

For out in space he'll find a creature, lo,

And also cheese and other treats, betimes

The creature did indeed pick up some slimes

And fling them at our friendly canine--splat!

But luck soon in our hero's favor chimes

For 'twas not slime but cheese--good cheese at that!

And so he fixed his ship and soon went back

To earth to tell to all: that cheese ain't wack!

Look, I hope you understand that I could keep spinning nonsense about Astro Pooch 'til the cows come home and then spin some more for the uncomprehending cows. But there's an age-old question here: we all know that excess can turn from tedious to funny purely because of its excess, and then back. It may be an endless cycle, but I suspect it ends up mired in "tedious." Thus, my discourse on Astro Pooch ENDS HERE.

Okay okay, because you demanded it, here's a villanelle I wrote about Astro Pooch:

It's Astro Pooch, a noble mutt for sure;

He thinks the moon is green and made of cheese,

In spite of the contempt he must endure.

"This is the truth!" he oft is known to roar,

"I'd like some of that lunar queso please!"

He's Astro Pooch, a noble mutt for sure.

And yet he's like the noble mutts of yore,

Is Astro Pooch, who often shouts "oh geez!"

In spite of the contempt he must endure.

He goes to space and leaves the earth's dim shore

To know it's real and not at all a tease.

He's Astro Pooch, a noble mutt for sure.

But what is this that he's ne'r seen before?

A moonman, filled with rage (he's lost his keys?)

This shows us the contempt he must endure.

You've proven it, the moon is cheese, no more!

Do not let anger your frail body seize.

You're Astro Pooch, a noble mutt for sure,

In spite of the contempt you must endure.