"King of the Golden River"

Hmmm...does that title remind anyone of anything? I will note that given that this was first published in 1961, some three years after Barks' (and several years after the Barks story was first published in Italy), and given that the English title here is a literal translation of the Italian, it's at least possible that there was some influence (and I do wonder whether this was chosen for localization due to the perceived Barks assocation--this was originally going to be called "The Other Golden Helmet"--good call not sticking with that, guys). Yes, I'm perfectly aware that Barks got the idea from a story by John Ruskin, but which one seems like a more likely influence? As we'll see, this might have certain thematic similarities with its predecessor. How well are these executed? Well...note that we're talking about Guido Martina here, and place your bets accordingly.

Actually, forget it; there's no way I can get through this, or even partway through, keeping my opinion somehow hidden. This story is not very well-plotted or pleasant. I do have some affection for ol' Guido; he wrote some stories that I enjoy a great deal. But he also wrote some pretty dire stuff, and this falls more on that end of the spectrum. It's one of those things that you'd barely call "plotted" at all: it's the very epitome of "made up as he went along:" this happened and then this happened and then this happened and let's not think too hard about the causal links between these things. This stuff about space stations that opens the story, for instance. Don't expect it to be relevant later on except in the most dubious, tangential way.

I should take a moment to note that Joe Torcivia's script is professional as ever; that is in no way the problem, and indeed, it probably lends this whatever level of readability it has. It certainly serves as a counterpoint to the trash IDW is trying to sell us these days. But I kind of think the story was beyond salvation.

Seriously, especially in the first part, the bewildering contortions this takes are extremely hard to summarize without sounding like a madman. Let me try: HDL gets this letter from Gladstone and he shrieks in joy so they think he's mad at them and so try to hide away in their tree fort, only he's sabotaged it so they can't climb up, so they decide to invent a way to nullify gravity so they won't fall (as you do), and as they're doing this Donald comes back home, having confirmed he has the winning ticket, only then it's destroyed in an explosion, so HDL run away again and this time make it into their tree fort, and Donald tries to climb after them only the ladder malfunctions so he decides HE should come up with an anti-gravity potion and goes to see Gyro for the purpose and while he's there HDL decide to futz around some more with their chemistry set and accidentally summon this ancient King of the Golden River and...okay. That's about enough of that.

Given all this nonsense, is it too trivial to point out that GLADSTONE'S LUCK DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY? If he gives Donald the ticket, it's not going to somehow maintain the luck on its own; it will NOT WIN. So there.

Two entries in a row with the evergreen "Duck in the Iron Pants" line. It will never die. If you were a fan coming to this stuff but you didn't know the older story, you might well think, why the HELL does this weirdly specific phrase keep cropping up? Not that I don't approve.

Anyway, back to where we left off, with our titular King. I suppose it's small beans compared to some of the story's larger problems, but I cannot help but be irritated by the completely random-ass way he was released. I mean, obviously this is just another aspect of the make-it-up-as-you-go aspect of the story, but I can't help feeling that with just a modicum of thought and care, it could have been made significantly more plausible-sounding. As it is, the whole thing just seems completely arbitrary. And I am annoyed. ANNOYED!

Anyway, Scrooge gets involved, again in a very dubious way. On the one hand I appreciate all the Barks Books there (and one non-Barks Book, which, fine); on the other, it seems unfair to position this story on the same level as those.

And now, some backstory. If you thought the actual meat of this was going to be anything like that other story...prepare for disappointment. It's not even a real river. Just one of those dreaded Metaphor Rivers.

A more significant problem is that we get zero idea of ol' Dondorado's character progression: he was bad in the past, apparently, but now he's good. Why? Entirely unknown. Considering that he sort of awkwardly floats over this whole story, it would probably be nice to have some idea of who he is and how he got there. But alas--such is not the Guido Martina Way.

Still, whatever you think of the story, you can't complain about Giovan Battista's artwork. I know it's a point that I and others have made before, but compare this to any non-Barks scribbler at Western and...well, you can't. Because there's no comparison.

Yes! The Amazon IS very vast! Good call, Scrooge! But there's only one country in South America that starts with 'A!' Of course, that's neither here nor there, as the river only runs through Venezuela, Peru, and Brazil! I dunno. I realize that the go-to explanation for geography in Disney comics that doesn't make sense is "oh, it's not *actually* supposed to be the real world; it's just meant to be kind of spiritually reminiscent of the real world." But that explanation doesn't satisfy me in this instance. Since a lot of the plot revolves around the location being unknown, the fact that the geography in question was just lazily thrown together like this feels...well, lazy. And not satisfying! This is a point I'm I've made before about these sorts of stories (possibly even in this very entry), but if the writing tried just a LITTLE harder, it could be SO MUCH BETTER. The effort-to-reward ratio is SO low. And yet...

I mean COME ON, we're supposed to think that the country might not even be in South America? That's just lame, lame, lame.

Anyway, they have to go together because Donald knows, more or less, where the place is, and Scrooge has the cash, and I hope you like the above image, because you will be seeing it again. Here's the thing: I could roll with the slapdash plotting here if the characterization were strong. I don't need much of an excuse to want to hang out with my favorite ducks. But the characterization is...this, and oh boy do I ever hate it. Scrooge and Donald both are portrayed as these repellent, utterly self-interested characters with no redeeming traits in sight. This sort of thing is okay in limited doses in some sorts of stories, but in a long adventure narrative like this, it's just death. Really, really bad. Oh, but HDL provide a counterbalance to that, don't you see? Well...yes, but on the other hand, no. They aren't painted with any more nuance than their uncles, and I can't say I find their goody-two-shoes act compelling either. The whole thing is just this incredibly ham-handed morality tale that does nobody any good. Compare this to the Barks "Golden River" and the deficiencies here come into sharp focus.

Would you believe this thing is a three-part story? Those are pretty uncommon; why was in decided that this, of all things, deserved the honor? The main result of that is a lot of tedious shit where nothing meaningful happens, like all this damn business with the donkeys.  Even though this entry is going to be too damn long, note that there is a lot I'm leaving out for lack of interest.  Blah blah blah and blah.

Hey look, it's the exact same joke we've seen in "Saturnin Farandoul!" Just ONE of the many reasons Guido Martina is so beloved far and wide!

The art is basically the thing you can enjoy in this story, so let's take a moment to appreciate it. Battista Carpi certainly doesn't let down his side of the story. Dig those long shadows.

...and now, I drag you back to earth. It's funny because in the first panel they look like they don't hold each other in contempt, but then it turns out they do! Megalolz, for sure. Don't break the fourth wall, dude! You think I want to be implicated in this?

The question that you have to ask: how exactly do they plan to manage it so only they get the treasure and the other doesn't? You're in the middle of nowhere. It's a big, bulky treasure, with no way to hide it. Even if you're willing to go along with their dickheadedness, this huge practical concern gets in the way of taking this seriously. The only answer you might come up with is, oh, they're so blinded by their greed that they're not thinking clearly. But don't pretend you think that's authorial intent; you and I both know that you're just rationalizing--and not in a satisfying way either; sure, you could imagine that they momentarily thought or failed to think along those lines, but in an extended narrative like this? Even as cartoon logic, that falls flat. Splat.

Well, there's this. This is the part that you might want to compare to the infinitely superior Barks story: do a good deed; get rewarded. Okay. I mean, the story could still be redeemed at this point if Donald and Scrooge actually learned a lesson from all this. Think that's very likely? Do you think this "gesture of kindness" business will be handled in a subtle and intelligent way? There is literally NO WAY to answer these questions.

Yup, Scrooge isn't just avaricious; he also HATES FLOWERS. Why not? Including any sort of shading or subtlety in his characterization is just asking TOO MUCH. Might as well have him kick a puppy, just to show how EEEVIL he really is. I jest, of course. Even this story would never descend to that level of self-parody. Thank goodness for small favors.

Meanwhile, of course, veering violently to the other side of the spectrum, HDL are so saintly that they're willing to sacrifice their lives that a flower might live slightly longer. I'm sorry; I wish I had something clever to say (okay: I do like seeing Scrooge falling and braining himself), but I simply CAN'T EVEN with this story. I literally can't even, even.

Remember how in the Barks story, it was kind of intentionally unclear whether the gold was actually caused by magic or whether it was some sort of scientific thing? Well, here, you just do a good deed, or the Martina's idea thereof, and poof, magic shit happens in a strange, impossible-to-visualize way.

Well...here's this again. See? I was not exaggerating even a tiny bit when I said you'd see this again. I'm actually kind of impressed in a perverse way by the bull-in-a-china-shop obviousness of everything here.

Welp.

I like that "coincidence?" as though this is something that could just happen by random happenstance. You really do have to wonder: just who is this for, anyway? I can only imagine the dimmest, most malevolent of toddlers enjoying this, and I feel like he's probably too busy tweeting to find the time.

I think Scrooge has come off a little bit worse here, what with kicking flowers and dogs, but don't count Donald out, either! He's entirely willing to let strangers suffer! I really like how he mocks the guy by taking a drink right there in front of him. And by "like" I of course mean "despise." I don't want to sound humorless or anything, but seriously, fuck this story.

Dondorado is extremely correct in that last panel, and HDL would do well to cut their losses and get outta there with the treasure.

I mean...you can't just do this. You can't portray your characters as having zero redeeming qualities and then expect us to buy this kind of sentimentalism. "Not usually," indeed. If you imagine that you can have stuff that happens in other stories do your work for you here...well, you can't. Forget it.

This bit really shows up the nonsensicalness of the idea that either of them can somehow take it all for themselves. Maybe they should both just fall in and die. That would be appropriate.

OH HO! Were you wondering when that awkward anti-gravity thing would be shoehorned back in? No? Well TOO BAD. Because now you know.

I'd like to know what Martina thinks "weightless" means if they're still falling like this. "Very light" is not synonymous. This is obviously a small thing, relatively speaking, but let's remind ourselves that this was originally meant to help rockets escape Earth's gravity, which this would...not do. Really, now.

See, you THINK you can make Donald and Scrooge seem less hateful by including these panels, but you can't. Or maybe you don't think that. But actually, you could, sort of, if the follow-through were there. But it's just so transparently insincere--"we're sad that we were jerks now that we didn't get any treasure"--and what follows show that even on THAT level it doesn't mean anything so...what are we doing here, ladies and gents? Is there a fire escape we could hurl ourselves down?

Anyway, now, this game show thing, and yes, this all feels extremely disjointed, but we must be used to that by now. So let's pay careful attention to the host's words there: "a viewer at home could still win, by showing up here at our studio with the correct answer...in five minutes!" Let it be noted.

Oh yeah, I didn't mention that the place they were going had the extremely bad name of "Land of the Most." Lame and unevocative and bad. I dock you one half of one letter grade.

So yeah, Donald and Scrooge use the anti-gravity pills to get there in time. Okay, you might think. Fine. But--because there just had to be one more damn thing, didn't there?--it turns out we're supposed to think this is somehow "cheating" even though--let's return to the above quote we highlighted--the host put absolutely no stipulation on how one could get to the studio and didn't give so much as the vaguest hint that there were these unwritten rules. Yeah, out of everything bad they've done in the story, we're getting all het up over this? Would taking a car be cheating? Walking in an unusually vigorous manner? Regardless, it's idiotic, and I am not amused.

Yeah, you can just see what's coming here, can't you? I'm not even going to touch the general dopiness of this "paid in body weight" thing. It's just here to make the story do what Martina wanted to do; there's nothing else to say.

Let me again note that they don't actually weigh nothing, or else they'd be floating off into space right now (okay, I suppose they could weight little enough for the scale not to register). But that, again again, is the least of our problems.

Anyway, turns out the host was Dondorado. Did he murder the real host and hide his body in a supply closet? Yeah, probably. You suck at making morality plays, Dondorado! The children of the world hate you!

Well, the bright spot is that Donald and Scrooge will be stuck in space for eighty years. Note that, even though they're supposed to be super-saintly and everything, HDL can't even pretend to be bothered that their sociopathic relatives are gone forever. As indeed who could?

That IS a pretty cool ending splash panel, though, I'll grant you that much. Again, Battista Carpi is all this has going for it.

I dunno, foax. I have read stories where Martina has a significantly better handle on his characterizations than this, but when he was bad, oh my was he ever bad. I want to like this story because, well, obviously I want to like whatever I read, but more specifically because of the pleasantly Barks-reminiscent title. Alas, I cannot recommend this one to boys and girls of all ages, or any ages.